I like to keep notepads within reach at all times. After all, who knows when I might have a flash of brilliance? Well, actually it’s more like a surge of notions. Sometimes it’s an idea for a story, and other times, thoughts for dialog come fast and furious. I have often assured myself that I will remember them, but alas I usually don’t, and I’m tired of falling for that lie. In any case, I write them down. It’s always fun to gather them all up after a few weeks and go through them to see if there is anything of merit. Who knows? Maybe I can piece together a good idea for a story.
Yesterday was my day of review and skimming through a few notebooks, I’m sure there is potential for a best seller. Of course, it is still in jigsaw puzzle format. Here are a few samples. You decide.
Men don’t deserve to live longer than women. I don’t know how I stand working in that tank of testosterone every day.
Before you place blame, you’d better make sure you’re not the one moving your own cheese.
If you’re going to laugh in the face of death, don’t eat garlic for lunch.
Some people look for your character defects like they are digging for buried treasure.
What with all the plastic surgeons around, I’m becoming a rarity. I’m the only one in my social circle with wrinkles.
“Honest, officer, I drive much better when I’m on the phone. Sure, there may be an occasional unexpected swerve but talking on the phone keeps me from speeding.”
Is it a coincidence that the words stupid and people have the same amount of letters?
Coffee, cream, medium in the Starbuck’s drive thru translates into Pikes Peak Brew light, Venti. I’m always tempted to yodel into the speaker after ordering.
My arch supports hover over McDonalds.
If a hospital is in a ‘quiet zone’, why do they let the ambulance drivers blow their sirens?
I found the perfect places to store my dead batteries…the flashlight, my cell phone, and the biggest one just fits under the hood of my car.
Safety tip; never fry bacon in the nude.
Next time I have guests for dinner, I’m not going to leave my writer’s reference books on the kitchen table, i.e. Deadly Doses, Murder and Mayhem, Death in Paradise and Scene of the Crime. I’ve been eating leftovers for days.
I moonlight as a crash diet dummy. Everything was going okay until I banked off a rack of baby back ribs and plunged into the side of a banana caramel bundt cake. Ouch! I’m still swollen.
I found out there is a medical reason for my weight gain. I’m retaining pizza.
I was surprised at how much my lima bean, tater tot casserole had changed after being in the refrigerator for ten days.
You’ll never see a telethon for the heartbreak of overindulgence.
Holidays are approaching. Time to dust out the oven.
Ever since I’ve been on my low carb diet, I’ve been having nightmares. Last night, Mrs. Butterworth wrapped me up in a pancake blanket while Uncle Ben released Wild Rice on me.
Writing tip: It’s impossible to blow corn chowder out of a computer keyboard.
The longest rut I ever lived in was nestled snugly between a rock and a hard place.
We must lose value as we age. Why else would we be offered a discount?
I took the suggested steps to unleash the genius in me. I was recently notified that it was found wandering the streets with a bottle in one hand and an application for MENSA membership in the other.
Who cares if six inch heels gives you bunions? What’s important is that your ankles look slim.
Self esteem is no substitute for a healthy financial portfolio.
No matter how much I try to be organized, my purse becomes a trash bag with handles.
When I die, I want to come back as a dung beetle. That way, I’ll know what to do with all this crap I have with me.
There is nothing more exhilarating than riding freely through the frontier of an open mind.
Venita Louise is the author of Mixed Nuts and Dead on the Money. You can learn more about her and her sense of humor by visiting http://www.venitalouise.net. And while you’re there, check out Venita’s artwork and music!